The weather began to warm up on Sunday and Monday and I started to panic, the snow had finally melted and on Monday I thought it may pour rain from the dark clouds above. Now, you may think, no big deal, but since the flood, last May, I dread the rain, not only dread it, fear it, especially in this house. It is not a rational fear that our house would flood again, it hadn't happened in 100 years previously, I think it is just when you experience something so horrible, I just fear it anyway.
I have prayed about it, given it to God on a daily basis and I still have this anxiety and fear. I have begged and pleaded with God to allow us to move away from here as soon as possible, to no avail so far, or is it? Our flip house still has not sold, it has actually been "sold" three times and fallen through for all different reasons that we could not control. So, my question-is this God's answer to my prayer? But keep in mind that we have been praying for the flip house to sell too. A couple of days ago, I even caught myself making a deal with God, "If You would please just move us from this place, I'll stay wherever You put us for as long as You want, just please move us from this place!" I stepped back, almost in disbelief, is it that bad? I have questioned my faith in God, His protection of us, at least, it is so difficult. I hear a "Trust Me" come out of heaven (I'm sure) and I fire back "I have been, I did then, and we lost everything! Well, not everything, but God, IT HURTS!" Praying for peace everyday, giving it to Him, why do I still fear?
When it rains, I have this horrible nightmare, pretty consistantly too, which is even worse. I dream that I wake up to the sound of dripping water (again) and I get out of bed and splash into water above my waist, I hurry to Zach's nursery to get him out, and when I get to his dark, water-filled, and freezing cold room, he is lying in his bed, under water, and has already drowned. There is this intense emotion of pain all through my body, I wake up with a horrible jump, and let me tell you, I do not want to go back to sleep after that! I search scripture for words about fear and I find no comfort in them.
This is "the valley", no doubt of that, I fear no evil, but could someone please direct me to the nearest hill even!
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2 comments:
Way to put it all out there. Don't ya feel better having it all out?
Winter, I appreciate your honesty about what really goes on within a person after a trauma Obviously, you have been traumatized and you are working through it - But, I want you to know... I sense that you feel you are somehow failing spiritually... NOT true!... you are in the midst growing spiritually - in the midst of a process. You are on a hard journey and know you will be Victorious! - as you keep your eyes on the Lord.
Side note - I was in a bad car accident 4 years ago - to this day I sometimes still battle panic attacks and bad dreams. But God has used it to grow me and draw me closer to him. Call me if you need to talk.
Blessings, Sister. :)
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