Molly

Tuesday night our Miss Molly was hit by a car, from her injuries it appeared that she died immediately.  Very tragically, Grace found her in the street, under the street light, just as it was beginning to snow.  She begged me to forgive her (she was the one that let her out to potty that night).  Of course I held her and told her I do, that it was not her fault, she argues that it is.  I hate that she had to be the one to find her like that, the one that carried her out of the street and to the front porch.  I hate that she saw that.

I'm not sure I remember the last time I cried that hard, or that loudly, it was as if my whole body was writhing in pain.  I can't remember feeling that in a long time either.  The rest of the kids were already in bed, asleep, and had no knowledge of what had happened.  Rob stayed home from work the next day and I didn't even wake up till noon, this after a night filled with tears and waking dreams (more like nightmares), and even then, I was completely exhausted still.
I don't know that I have posted much about Molly here, though she has been the topic of many a Facebook post.  Molly came to us from a friend, she had rescued her and then posted her picture on Facebook and told all about her.  I was smitten at the sight of her picture!  Rob, took some convincing.  Even though I knew she was missing one foot and most of the other, it didn't deter me at all, and then once I met her, and Rob said she was "On trial" (it took less than 24 hours for Rob to fall in love!), she was ours.  That was not even a year ago, though it seems like she has always been here.

 She was an older dog, so well trained, so loving, so gentle and patient with the kids.  She slept with us from the start and would whimper to sit in my lap anytime I sat down.  She would cuddle up between Rob and I every night, and sometimes even perch on one of our chests to sleep.  She was such a precious girl, she even slept with a little stuffed dog that she adopted out of the kids toys.  

She was so funny when she would curl up on my shoulder and fall asleep.  She was quite possibly the first dog to win over my dad, who she would always seek out and curl up on whenever he visited.  In the chilly mornings she would actually walk on her front paws only to go out and potty, I think the cold ground bothered her little stubs. 

Today and yesterday have been so terrible, I don't think I realized what a huge part of my day she was.  I have cried so many times as I have stopped mid-stride to get her off my bed in the morning to take her out, or looked for her and she's not there, even watched my step when I turn around, in case she was following too close.  Expecting her to be running to meet me at the door when I walk in. 

Rob told the other kids what had happened, and Faith sadly climbed onto my bed yesterday afternoon and said, "Molly died", with a sad face, almost like she understands.  She still continues to ask where Molly is and today even called for Molly when she dropped some food on the floor, even though she's been told not to do that.  Every time she asks and I have to say it again, my heart aches.  Zach, my Mr. Fixit, catches me in tears and says, "You can get a new poodle, Mommy!", and hearing Rob explain to him why we can't just go get a new poodle, makes the tears flow even more.  Not to sound melodramatic, but to know Molly, was to love her, she was a very special little dog indeed.

I honestly have been taken completely off guard, I had no idea I would react like this.  Rob says he knew it would be like this and he had been preparing himself.  The last few weeks I had this feeling that something was wrong, just something was not quite right with her, nothing that I could put my finger on, nothing that I could go to the vet and say, "This is what's wrong", just a general feeling.  Rob said the same thing last night, she just seemed like something was wrong, he said that he wondered if God let her go this way to spare her pain and suffering of something to come.  He said he thinks this is easier than watching her suffer and then die, I would agree with that.

Either way, I don't think I was prepared for this, my own "Fix it" instinct actually went to thoughts of, looking for another dog, something to fill this gaping hole that I feel in my chest right now, but I don't know if I could, ever even?  Time will tell.

Break In

Starting Monday night last week, I told Rob that I didn't want to do anything the next day, just stay home in my pjs!  I woke up the next morning to a virus on my computer, this was really not good, I use my computer for EVERYTHING!!!  Next I had to hustle out the door to get kids to school, then, because of the computer thing, I came back home to give baths and get myself a shower, then off to Faith's doctor appointment at 9:15, I got there just in time and they were totally on time and we were out of there in about a half hour!  I was going to go home, but decided to go ahead and go to MOPS a little late, I was home by 11:45 and walked up to our house with a kicked in front door. 

 The police took FOREVER to get there, I mean, seriously more than 10 minutes 

and I told dispatch I didn't know if the house was empty or not.  When the police finally got there and checked it all out I found my my home trashed, both flat screens gone and the Wii broken on the floor.  I was shocked that nothing else was gone, there was so many things laying around that I thought would be gone! 

Molly was there, I keep wondering if she was scared, if she ran up to these strangers, if she ran and hid under my bed, she seemed fine, but she has nightmares, which sounds funny, but she actually sounds like she is crying in her sleep some nights. 
One of the worst things for me was that they tossed our mattress, and went through the drawers, it is just really unsettling to know that some stranger who meant us harm had been through all our things.  I had a really hard time sleeping for several nights.  To keep the older kids from seeing the mess, I cleaned everything up before they got home from school.  I was really grateful for my sister and brother in law coming to get Faith and Zach.  Zach was such a big boy and hugged Faith while I lost it a little bit. 

We have a security system, but I didn't have it on that day.  I know in my head that it wouldn't have helped, they were so fast, the police said these guys are pros and this is their M.O., but I still feel guilty.  The likelihood of anything ever being recovered is pretty much zip.  $1000 laying around we do not have, the replacement of things lost will be awhile. This week we received a check from a friend I hadn't seen in 15 plus years, I'm so grateful to friends that show love in times like these. 

My MOPS were there that night, calling me within hours of the break-in.  They brought dinner, desert and breakfast, and a gift card for ice cream too, then another dinner for the next night, all within hours of the break-in!  The next day we received a freezer meal too!  That was such a blessing to us!

I was really unsure of how Grace and Ethan would take the news, Grace was okay, until she saw that her jewelry box had been opened.  Ethan immediately started crying and yelling, why and are they in jail now, and did they take Jim's (our neighbor) stuff too!  Zach told my sister, "Those people that took our tvs must have really needed a tv, some people don't have tvs, ya know."  He is such a sweet little man!

Since that day, I have had my ups and downs, I have been doing "craft therapy", using all my leftover craft supplies from Christmas break.  I will post pictures soon!  The first several days were really hard, I didn't want to be here, but I didn't want to leave, I didn't want to take a shower without someone else being there to watch the kids.  Lots of tears over a branch hitting the window while I was home alone, stuff like that. 

The first of our door "Armor" arrived today, Rob installed it right away.  We will soon have all our doors "armored".  Then, no one will be kicking in our doors.  I'm really hoping that those will give me a little sense of security.  Rob seems to be dealing with some anger over it, but isn't talking about it.

I haven't seen any after shocks in the kids, except an occasional nightmare that Ethan has had, other wise, everyone else seems fine.  I pray that is all I ever see.

Sitting on the mantel was a tracing of Faith's little hands and the front door had a metal plaque on it saying, "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord".  I don't know why it struck me that those things don't phase people that do things like that.  There was no respect shown.  But I am glad it was only what it was, and nothing more. 

The Passing Of A Great Man

Yesterday morning was when my Uncle Steve Hane left this earth.  He was not quite 54 years old and he had lived with cancer for the past year.  There are things you learn as you grow up, things that you wish you knew when you were younger, especially things like how important it is to know your family, not just hang out with them a few times a year, not just send them cards or check up on them on Facebook, but really know them.  Maybe I am one of the few, the blessed, but I have an amazing family.  And I regret not having more time now, to get to know my uncle. 

For me, I love my family, I mean LOVE my family, each and every one of them make me who I am today, each one of them has impacted my life, and my Uncle Steve is no different.  While I don't claim to have known my Uncle Steve really well, definitely not as well as I would have liked, there is things that I do know.  He was all about family and all of us were always welcome in their home, he was completely loving and always ready with a smile when I saw him.

Growing up, I was convinced that my Uncle Steve was a rock star, literally.  I had heard he played in a band, had heard them practice in his basement and even snuck down there to take a peak!  As an adult I've heard them play a handful of times, but the night I will remember best was at his "going away party".  The smile on his face and the joy in his eyes, he was still a rock star to me.

As I learned things about living from my uncle, there is also things I have learned about dying from him.  It is not the time to stay in bed, feel sorry for yourself, or accept a sentence, it is a time to do the things you love, and be with the ones you love. 

We are going to say good-bye to my uncle on Friday morning, and I'm honestly not ready, it's not my timing for sure, so I am leaning on the Lord's perfect timing and finding rest in knowing that he is no longer hurting. 

As we all get older it is harder and harder for everyone to get together in one place at any given time, and I find myself missing that big family Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve at my Uncle Steve and Aunt Amy's house.  I know as we grow up and have our own little branches of our family tree we make new traditions, but somehow I feel like I had it the best, better than my kids even, when all of my aunts, uncles and cousins were there, funny as it sounds, I wish they could have been there for that.