Molly

Tuesday night our Miss Molly was hit by a car, from her injuries it appeared that she died immediately.  Very tragically, Grace found her in the street, under the street light, just as it was beginning to snow.  She begged me to forgive her (she was the one that let her out to potty that night).  Of course I held her and told her I do, that it was not her fault, she argues that it is.  I hate that she had to be the one to find her like that, the one that carried her out of the street and to the front porch.  I hate that she saw that.

I'm not sure I remember the last time I cried that hard, or that loudly, it was as if my whole body was writhing in pain.  I can't remember feeling that in a long time either.  The rest of the kids were already in bed, asleep, and had no knowledge of what had happened.  Rob stayed home from work the next day and I didn't even wake up till noon, this after a night filled with tears and waking dreams (more like nightmares), and even then, I was completely exhausted still.
I don't know that I have posted much about Molly here, though she has been the topic of many a Facebook post.  Molly came to us from a friend, she had rescued her and then posted her picture on Facebook and told all about her.  I was smitten at the sight of her picture!  Rob, took some convincing.  Even though I knew she was missing one foot and most of the other, it didn't deter me at all, and then once I met her, and Rob said she was "On trial" (it took less than 24 hours for Rob to fall in love!), she was ours.  That was not even a year ago, though it seems like she has always been here.

 She was an older dog, so well trained, so loving, so gentle and patient with the kids.  She slept with us from the start and would whimper to sit in my lap anytime I sat down.  She would cuddle up between Rob and I every night, and sometimes even perch on one of our chests to sleep.  She was such a precious girl, she even slept with a little stuffed dog that she adopted out of the kids toys.  

She was so funny when she would curl up on my shoulder and fall asleep.  She was quite possibly the first dog to win over my dad, who she would always seek out and curl up on whenever he visited.  In the chilly mornings she would actually walk on her front paws only to go out and potty, I think the cold ground bothered her little stubs. 

Today and yesterday have been so terrible, I don't think I realized what a huge part of my day she was.  I have cried so many times as I have stopped mid-stride to get her off my bed in the morning to take her out, or looked for her and she's not there, even watched my step when I turn around, in case she was following too close.  Expecting her to be running to meet me at the door when I walk in. 

Rob told the other kids what had happened, and Faith sadly climbed onto my bed yesterday afternoon and said, "Molly died", with a sad face, almost like she understands.  She still continues to ask where Molly is and today even called for Molly when she dropped some food on the floor, even though she's been told not to do that.  Every time she asks and I have to say it again, my heart aches.  Zach, my Mr. Fixit, catches me in tears and says, "You can get a new poodle, Mommy!", and hearing Rob explain to him why we can't just go get a new poodle, makes the tears flow even more.  Not to sound melodramatic, but to know Molly, was to love her, she was a very special little dog indeed.

I honestly have been taken completely off guard, I had no idea I would react like this.  Rob says he knew it would be like this and he had been preparing himself.  The last few weeks I had this feeling that something was wrong, just something was not quite right with her, nothing that I could put my finger on, nothing that I could go to the vet and say, "This is what's wrong", just a general feeling.  Rob said the same thing last night, she just seemed like something was wrong, he said that he wondered if God let her go this way to spare her pain and suffering of something to come.  He said he thinks this is easier than watching her suffer and then die, I would agree with that.

Either way, I don't think I was prepared for this, my own "Fix it" instinct actually went to thoughts of, looking for another dog, something to fill this gaping hole that I feel in my chest right now, but I don't know if I could, ever even?  Time will tell.